Digging through the old archives...

... and I stumbled upon this little gem which I saved under the file name of "ALIVE" (yes it was in all caps too! lol). I wrote this while I was studying abroad and when I came across it and re-read it, I smiled because I remember the exact feelings I was referring to and I often find myself coming back to them throughout life at different points in time. What's funny to me as well is the fact that I'm referring to the inevitable passage of time, loss of innocence, and daunting responsibility of adulthood that I was inching closer towards, that I have since arrived at and I STILL feel the same angst about it.

March 1, 2008:
"When the last stroke has been painted on the canvas, the last note of the last song sung, and the last word spoken, will I remember this very moment? A moment when I can simply take in a long deep breath and feel the taste of freedom lingering on my lips. The stars pricking my skin with their brightness in a way that makes me feel even more alive than I thought was possible?

The feeling that I have the world at my feet, a whole life ahead of me to live, with no one to determine how it plays out, but myself. It’s kind of a big responsibility when you think about it- to determine not only your own happiness but also the path that leads you there. Will there be that one time that you should’ve said yes? Should’ve followed your gut instinct? Should’ve just taken the risk no matter what the cost? Maybe this is all one long run-on rhetorical question, but maybe its okay because it’s part of the process along this journey of life.

Here I stand, gazing at the same moon I saw three months ago, but now seeing it from a completely new aspect. From half way across the world, am I upside-down right now or right-side up? No matter which direction I’m pointing, my life is taking a new turn every day, in a direction that I never could have dreamed up for myself.

I find it depressing that I don’t write as much anymore. It’s hard to find time these days it seems, or is that just a lame excuse to myself because I’m too lazy to find the time? My free time is too busy being consumed by Facebook and iTunes, I suppose. What’s even worse is that I can feel the loss of innocence as it slips through my fingers, even though I try to hold on for dear life, something tugs at the other end of that imaginary string, telling me to hold on is virtually impossible. Once you face the evils of this world and see them first hand, that string pulls harder and harder until you sink to the ground in defeat. I refuse to raise my white flag quite yet, so instead I turn my face against the hurricane of reality and look the other way.

For now I prefer holding on to this innocence, to this youth, as long as I can. I feel like it’s a wolf, licking its watering mouth waiting for it’s prey, for I know how valuable these days are. Some of my last days like this, but keeping myself from taking them for granted is a difficult task. Even if I’m aware of their value, I can’t seem to stop time long enough to look around and take everything in. Being young is something I can never get back. Being young and independent is an even greater feat. To not be caught up in love, or in the idea of love at this age, is even more rare. Or am I lying to myself again? I push love away time and time again because it’s never good enough. Everyone has that one person that everyone else must measure up to but somehow, no one can ever pass the test, they just wind up being tossed into the back of your mind like all the rest.

If anyone had told me 4 years ago that I would be in Europe right now, I probably would’ve only half way believed them. I’ve wanted to study abroad since I started college, but facing the reality of time and money, I didn’t know if it would actually happen. And here I sit at my computer desk, half way across the world from the place I have always known, and it still amazes me.

This experience has been more to me than I could have ever imagined. I’ve always known I’m a more free-spirited person than most, and my hunger for life just grows everyday in this place. The more I see, and the more places I go, the more I want to see and learn. It’s a never ending cycle really."

Hmmmm... back to the present. Not much has changed about the way I feel since I wrote this almost 4 years ago but I am obviously a different person now than I was at 20 (thankfully!). If I could offer my 20 year old self one piece of advice, it would've been to never come home.. haha JK (ok I'm only kinda JK-ing).

The passing of time, growing up, are both inevitable but that youthful zest for life is going nowhere, I just have to figure out a way to incorporate it into my adult life without being a total fuck up at work and in general! haha