Sacred

I run my fingers across your jawline and with eyes closed, find myself reclaiming your body. The skin, bones, and soul that make up this man I know so well; in this moment you're still mine,  you always were.  Here I feel home, I feel safe. Buried underneath the chaos of my life, you have been the only constant. I thought I knew who I was but it is you who defines me. Drawn in and wrapped up in your energy. Becoming whole again. Reconnection. Spiritual. With you I feel endlessly inspired.

Soundtrack to this post (courtesy of my dear friend Alex): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEpMj-tqixs&feature=player_embedded

Depth and Deprivation

As I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, thoughts of you run rampant in my mind. I will my eyes to get heavy and my brain to shut down but I pick up my phone and read through our conversation again. I stare so long that the words begin to blur together. I think of you, think of how deeply I feel for you, I look at you differently than any other person in the world. I replay our history for the hundredth time, questions still linger. No one compares to you, no one has this affect on me. I've subconsciously held my heart close, saving it for only you. Now I realize more than ever that the strength of my love for you is unwavering, even when you haven't physically been there. The connection I feel to you is an ethereal one- spiritual, emotional, and it's something I can explain to no one. It rocks me to the core. You are the only one, you've always been even when I've tried to run from it. You're not here but still my insides turn and the tears begin to spill from my eyes as I'm overcome with the depth of my emotions for you. Not wanting to rewind the hands of time for the first time but to only move forward.

"Wait for me, trust for me, fall for me
Even when you don't know you fall for me
Will you fall for it? If it should come around again
But don't wait for me and don't trust in me, don't fall for me
Even when you know you're falling for me

When our lights meet, will you know me then?
And will you want to know it?
It feels like I've known you for so long
When our lights meet, will you love me then?
And will you ever know it?
It seems like you've known me for so long

When our hearts meet, will we make it then? "

Feelings.

I bite my nails absent-mindedly and stretch out on the grass as I squint in an attempt to mask my emotions. I undoubtedly fail; he reads right through me. He always does. The man staring back at me is not the man I thought I fell in love with, but a fragment; and he knows it. I know it. He's just a paragraph in my life story. What we thought would never end, inevitably has run it's course. We blame time, situation, and circumstance. Or at least I do. I'm the cold-hearted one; the one who's never satisfied. But there's a reason I always hold on. In hopes that this time will be different? It never is. I never change. Incapable.

We fall into each other's arms and as the pain overcomes me, I'm reminded of my failure. He squeezes my hand because he knows the hardest thing to do will be to walk away, but there's nothing left to remain for. The tears flow freely, my chest feels like it might cave in. Unfinished. It's always unfinished.

My how things have changed (yet again)

Things have changed... again. New job, new adventure. a gypsy? Am I never meant to settle in one place? I'm absolutely horrible at sitting still. Living with my parents again after 7 years of being on my own scared the shit out of me but I'm not going to lie, the homecooked meals every night (I'm so much more appreciative of my mom's cooking now that I'm older), free rent, and eating at all my favorite places (shout out to Mario's Pizza and Filling Station) have such a charm to them. Maybe it's because of the amount of traveling I've done, and how often I've been outside of my comfort zone over the last several years? But there's such a warm fuzzy feeling about being in such a familiar place. Obviously there are some aspects of being home that I'm not crazy about (i.e. People from the past I'd prefer to not see and having to drive my Oldsmobile that shakes when I drive over 70 mph), but it's been a lot easier than I assumed it would be. I followed my heart (per usual) back home.

My 25th birthday has come and gone, and to be honest I've found myself surprisingly at peace with my life and the place I'm at. I suppose it's come with my age and maturity and I think it can also be attributed to my extremely rational, mature, and level-headed boyfriend who keeps me grounded like no one else I've ever met. The last several years have been such a roller coaster for me, I have NOT been a fan of my early twenties, it's such an in-between, weird age to me. You're not quite an adult but you're attempting to transition into the real world. I've felt forced to grow up when I wasn't ready and I've felt this tremendous pressure for some reason to figure out my life plan- I've had problems worrying too much about the future. I've realized as of late that I've somewhat let all that unnecessary anxiety go and started to feel more at peace with living in the present.

Just a quick note.

I'm making myself promise myself to start blogging and writing more. I really need to keep up with this thing and exercise my writing skills regularly. But for now, I need to go to bed. Until next time xx

"Crossroads, seem to come and go. The gypsy flies from coast to coast, knowing many, loving none. Bearing sorrows, having fun. But back home, he always runs....' -Gregg Allman