Sacred

I run my fingers across your jawline and with eyes closed, find myself reclaiming your body. The skin, bones, and soul that make up this man I know so well; in this moment you're still mine,  you always were.  Here I feel home, I feel safe. Buried underneath the chaos of my life, you have been the only constant. I thought I knew who I was but it is you who defines me. Drawn in and wrapped up in your energy. Becoming whole again. Reconnection. Spiritual. With you I feel endlessly inspired.

Soundtrack to this post (courtesy of my dear friend Alex): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEpMj-tqixs&feature=player_embedded

Depth and Deprivation

As I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, thoughts of you run rampant in my mind. I will my eyes to get heavy and my brain to shut down but I pick up my phone and read through our conversation again. I stare so long that the words begin to blur together. I think of you, think of how deeply I feel for you, I look at you differently than any other person in the world. I replay our history for the hundredth time, questions still linger. No one compares to you, no one has this affect on me. I've subconsciously held my heart close, saving it for only you. Now I realize more than ever that the strength of my love for you is unwavering, even when you haven't physically been there. The connection I feel to you is an ethereal one- spiritual, emotional, and it's something I can explain to no one. It rocks me to the core. You are the only one, you've always been even when I've tried to run from it. You're not here but still my insides turn and the tears begin to spill from my eyes as I'm overcome with the depth of my emotions for you. Not wanting to rewind the hands of time for the first time but to only move forward.

"Wait for me, trust for me, fall for me
Even when you don't know you fall for me
Will you fall for it? If it should come around again
But don't wait for me and don't trust in me, don't fall for me
Even when you know you're falling for me

When our lights meet, will you know me then?
And will you want to know it?
It feels like I've known you for so long
When our lights meet, will you love me then?
And will you ever know it?
It seems like you've known me for so long

When our hearts meet, will we make it then? "

Feelings.

I bite my nails absent-mindedly and stretch out on the grass as I squint in an attempt to mask my emotions. I undoubtedly fail; he reads right through me. He always does. The man staring back at me is not the man I thought I fell in love with, but a fragment; and he knows it. I know it. He's just a paragraph in my life story. What we thought would never end, inevitably has run it's course. We blame time, situation, and circumstance. Or at least I do. I'm the cold-hearted one; the one who's never satisfied. But there's a reason I always hold on. In hopes that this time will be different? It never is. I never change. Incapable.

We fall into each other's arms and as the pain overcomes me, I'm reminded of my failure. He squeezes my hand because he knows the hardest thing to do will be to walk away, but there's nothing left to remain for. The tears flow freely, my chest feels like it might cave in. Unfinished. It's always unfinished.

My how things have changed (yet again)

Things have changed... again. New job, new adventure. a gypsy? Am I never meant to settle in one place? I'm absolutely horrible at sitting still. Living with my parents again after 7 years of being on my own scared the shit out of me but I'm not going to lie, the homecooked meals every night (I'm so much more appreciative of my mom's cooking now that I'm older), free rent, and eating at all my favorite places (shout out to Mario's Pizza and Filling Station) have such a charm to them. Maybe it's because of the amount of traveling I've done, and how often I've been outside of my comfort zone over the last several years? But there's such a warm fuzzy feeling about being in such a familiar place. Obviously there are some aspects of being home that I'm not crazy about (i.e. People from the past I'd prefer to not see and having to drive my Oldsmobile that shakes when I drive over 70 mph), but it's been a lot easier than I assumed it would be. I followed my heart (per usual) back home.

My 25th birthday has come and gone, and to be honest I've found myself surprisingly at peace with my life and the place I'm at. I suppose it's come with my age and maturity and I think it can also be attributed to my extremely rational, mature, and level-headed boyfriend who keeps me grounded like no one else I've ever met. The last several years have been such a roller coaster for me, I have NOT been a fan of my early twenties, it's such an in-between, weird age to me. You're not quite an adult but you're attempting to transition into the real world. I've felt forced to grow up when I wasn't ready and I've felt this tremendous pressure for some reason to figure out my life plan- I've had problems worrying too much about the future. I've realized as of late that I've somewhat let all that unnecessary anxiety go and started to feel more at peace with living in the present.

Just a quick note.

I'm making myself promise myself to start blogging and writing more. I really need to keep up with this thing and exercise my writing skills regularly. But for now, I need to go to bed. Until next time xx

"Crossroads, seem to come and go. The gypsy flies from coast to coast, knowing many, loving none. Bearing sorrows, having fun. But back home, he always runs....' -Gregg Allman

I'm on a new mission..

to find what it is that truly, undoubtedly, and completely makes me happy. I'm in need of some serious soul-searching and I've come to the conclusion that once I figure out what it is that I want out of life, what really motivates me, how I define happiness, success, and fulfillment- I will be able to move past this frustrating part of my life that I've been stuck in. I've done so much in the past 2 years to clear my life and head of the unnecessary, damaging things but I still have a long way to go. I feel like I'm on the verge of a great self-realization.

That's all I'm saying for now because it's late and I'm tired.

Got the Urge to write today..

...and this is what came out (while driving, as scribbled on the back of some work papers)

Another season come and gone
A million lies, a broken song
A ruptured heart left to bleed
A million moments spent on knees
Eyes are pleading for some truth
Lips are moving, loss of youth
Leaves turn brown as Summer fades
Time stands still in yesterdays

Unanswered questions, suspended in air
Unspoken words, never shared
Too many reasons things went wrong
Forcing hearts where they don't belong

Sort through thoughts, too much to grasp
Relive the pain, then let it pass
As time moves on but you stand still
Numb from things you don't want to feel
With aching heart and damaged soul
A jaded view, love took it's toll

Digging through the old archives...

... and I stumbled upon this little gem which I saved under the file name of "ALIVE" (yes it was in all caps too! lol). I wrote this while I was studying abroad and when I came across it and re-read it, I smiled because I remember the exact feelings I was referring to and I often find myself coming back to them throughout life at different points in time. What's funny to me as well is the fact that I'm referring to the inevitable passage of time, loss of innocence, and daunting responsibility of adulthood that I was inching closer towards, that I have since arrived at and I STILL feel the same angst about it.

March 1, 2008:
"When the last stroke has been painted on the canvas, the last note of the last song sung, and the last word spoken, will I remember this very moment? A moment when I can simply take in a long deep breath and feel the taste of freedom lingering on my lips. The stars pricking my skin with their brightness in a way that makes me feel even more alive than I thought was possible?

The feeling that I have the world at my feet, a whole life ahead of me to live, with no one to determine how it plays out, but myself. It’s kind of a big responsibility when you think about it- to determine not only your own happiness but also the path that leads you there. Will there be that one time that you should’ve said yes? Should’ve followed your gut instinct? Should’ve just taken the risk no matter what the cost? Maybe this is all one long run-on rhetorical question, but maybe its okay because it’s part of the process along this journey of life.

Here I stand, gazing at the same moon I saw three months ago, but now seeing it from a completely new aspect. From half way across the world, am I upside-down right now or right-side up? No matter which direction I’m pointing, my life is taking a new turn every day, in a direction that I never could have dreamed up for myself.

I find it depressing that I don’t write as much anymore. It’s hard to find time these days it seems, or is that just a lame excuse to myself because I’m too lazy to find the time? My free time is too busy being consumed by Facebook and iTunes, I suppose. What’s even worse is that I can feel the loss of innocence as it slips through my fingers, even though I try to hold on for dear life, something tugs at the other end of that imaginary string, telling me to hold on is virtually impossible. Once you face the evils of this world and see them first hand, that string pulls harder and harder until you sink to the ground in defeat. I refuse to raise my white flag quite yet, so instead I turn my face against the hurricane of reality and look the other way.

For now I prefer holding on to this innocence, to this youth, as long as I can. I feel like it’s a wolf, licking its watering mouth waiting for it’s prey, for I know how valuable these days are. Some of my last days like this, but keeping myself from taking them for granted is a difficult task. Even if I’m aware of their value, I can’t seem to stop time long enough to look around and take everything in. Being young is something I can never get back. Being young and independent is an even greater feat. To not be caught up in love, or in the idea of love at this age, is even more rare. Or am I lying to myself again? I push love away time and time again because it’s never good enough. Everyone has that one person that everyone else must measure up to but somehow, no one can ever pass the test, they just wind up being tossed into the back of your mind like all the rest.

If anyone had told me 4 years ago that I would be in Europe right now, I probably would’ve only half way believed them. I’ve wanted to study abroad since I started college, but facing the reality of time and money, I didn’t know if it would actually happen. And here I sit at my computer desk, half way across the world from the place I have always known, and it still amazes me.

This experience has been more to me than I could have ever imagined. I’ve always known I’m a more free-spirited person than most, and my hunger for life just grows everyday in this place. The more I see, and the more places I go, the more I want to see and learn. It’s a never ending cycle really."

Hmmmm... back to the present. Not much has changed about the way I feel since I wrote this almost 4 years ago but I am obviously a different person now than I was at 20 (thankfully!). If I could offer my 20 year old self one piece of advice, it would've been to never come home.. haha JK (ok I'm only kinda JK-ing).

The passing of time, growing up, are both inevitable but that youthful zest for life is going nowhere, I just have to figure out a way to incorporate it into my adult life without being a total fuck up at work and in general! haha