to find what it is that truly, undoubtedly, and completely makes me happy. I'm in need of some serious soul-searching and I've come to the conclusion that once I figure out what it is that I want out of life, what really motivates me, how I define happiness, success, and fulfillment- I will be able to move past this frustrating part of my life that I've been stuck in. I've done so much in the past 2 years to clear my life and head of the unnecessary, damaging things but I still have a long way to go. I feel like I'm on the verge of a great self-realization.
That's all I'm saying for now because it's late and I'm tired.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Got the Urge to write today..
...and this is what came out (while driving, as scribbled on the back of some work papers)
Another season come and gone
A million lies, a broken song
A ruptured heart left to bleed
A million moments spent on knees
Eyes are pleading for some truth
Lips are moving, loss of youth
Leaves turn brown as Summer fades
Time stands still in yesterdays
Unanswered questions, suspended in air
Unspoken words, never shared
Too many reasons things went wrong
Forcing hearts where they don't belong
Sort through thoughts, too much to grasp
Relive the pain, then let it pass
As time moves on but you stand still
Numb from things you don't want to feel
With aching heart and damaged soul
A jaded view, love took it's toll
Another season come and gone
A million lies, a broken song
A ruptured heart left to bleed
A million moments spent on knees
Eyes are pleading for some truth
Lips are moving, loss of youth
Leaves turn brown as Summer fades
Time stands still in yesterdays
Unanswered questions, suspended in air
Unspoken words, never shared
Too many reasons things went wrong
Forcing hearts where they don't belong
Sort through thoughts, too much to grasp
Relive the pain, then let it pass
As time moves on but you stand still
Numb from things you don't want to feel
With aching heart and damaged soul
A jaded view, love took it's toll
Monday, September 12, 2011
Digging through the old archives...
... and I stumbled upon this little gem which I saved under the file name of "ALIVE" (yes it was in all caps too! lol). I wrote this while I was studying abroad and when I came across it and re-read it, I smiled because I remember the exact feelings I was referring to and I often find myself coming back to them throughout life at different points in time. What's funny to me as well is the fact that I'm referring to the inevitable passage of time, loss of innocence, and daunting responsibility of adulthood that I was inching closer towards, that I have since arrived at and I STILL feel the same angst about it.
March 1, 2008:
"When the last stroke has been painted on the canvas, the last note of the last song sung, and the last word spoken, will I remember this very moment? A moment when I can simply take in a long deep breath and feel the taste of freedom lingering on my lips. The stars pricking my skin with their brightness in a way that makes me feel even more alive than I thought was possible?
The feeling that I have the world at my feet, a whole life ahead of me to live, with no one to determine how it plays out, but myself. It’s kind of a big responsibility when you think about it- to determine not only your own happiness but also the path that leads you there. Will there be that one time that you should’ve said yes? Should’ve followed your gut instinct? Should’ve just taken the risk no matter what the cost? Maybe this is all one long run-on rhetorical question, but maybe its okay because it’s part of the process along this journey of life.
Here I stand, gazing at the same moon I saw three months ago, but now seeing it from a completely new aspect. From half way across the world, am I upside-down right now or right-side up? No matter which direction I’m pointing, my life is taking a new turn every day, in a direction that I never could have dreamed up for myself.
I find it depressing that I don’t write as much anymore. It’s hard to find time these days it seems, or is that just a lame excuse to myself because I’m too lazy to find the time? My free time is too busy being consumed by Facebook and iTunes, I suppose. What’s even worse is that I can feel the loss of innocence as it slips through my fingers, even though I try to hold on for dear life, something tugs at the other end of that imaginary string, telling me to hold on is virtually impossible. Once you face the evils of this world and see them first hand, that string pulls harder and harder until you sink to the ground in defeat. I refuse to raise my white flag quite yet, so instead I turn my face against the hurricane of reality and look the other way.
For now I prefer holding on to this innocence, to this youth, as long as I can. I feel like it’s a wolf, licking its watering mouth waiting for it’s prey, for I know how valuable these days are. Some of my last days like this, but keeping myself from taking them for granted is a difficult task. Even if I’m aware of their value, I can’t seem to stop time long enough to look around and take everything in. Being young is something I can never get back. Being young and independent is an even greater feat. To not be caught up in love, or in the idea of love at this age, is even more rare. Or am I lying to myself again? I push love away time and time again because it’s never good enough. Everyone has that one person that everyone else must measure up to but somehow, no one can ever pass the test, they just wind up being tossed into the back of your mind like all the rest.
If anyone had told me 4 years ago that I would be in Europe right now, I probably would’ve only half way believed them. I’ve wanted to study abroad since I started college, but facing the reality of time and money, I didn’t know if it would actually happen. And here I sit at my computer desk, half way across the world from the place I have always known, and it still amazes me.
This experience has been more to me than I could have ever imagined. I’ve always known I’m a more free-spirited person than most, and my hunger for life just grows everyday in this place. The more I see, and the more places I go, the more I want to see and learn. It’s a never ending cycle really."
Hmmmm... back to the present. Not much has changed about the way I feel since I wrote this almost 4 years ago but I am obviously a different person now than I was at 20 (thankfully!). If I could offer my 20 year old self one piece of advice, it would've been to never come home.. haha JK (ok I'm only kinda JK-ing).
The passing of time, growing up, are both inevitable but that youthful zest for life is going nowhere, I just have to figure out a way to incorporate it into my adult life without being a total fuck up at work and in general! haha
March 1, 2008:
"When the last stroke has been painted on the canvas, the last note of the last song sung, and the last word spoken, will I remember this very moment? A moment when I can simply take in a long deep breath and feel the taste of freedom lingering on my lips. The stars pricking my skin with their brightness in a way that makes me feel even more alive than I thought was possible?
The feeling that I have the world at my feet, a whole life ahead of me to live, with no one to determine how it plays out, but myself. It’s kind of a big responsibility when you think about it- to determine not only your own happiness but also the path that leads you there. Will there be that one time that you should’ve said yes? Should’ve followed your gut instinct? Should’ve just taken the risk no matter what the cost? Maybe this is all one long run-on rhetorical question, but maybe its okay because it’s part of the process along this journey of life.
Here I stand, gazing at the same moon I saw three months ago, but now seeing it from a completely new aspect. From half way across the world, am I upside-down right now or right-side up? No matter which direction I’m pointing, my life is taking a new turn every day, in a direction that I never could have dreamed up for myself.
I find it depressing that I don’t write as much anymore. It’s hard to find time these days it seems, or is that just a lame excuse to myself because I’m too lazy to find the time? My free time is too busy being consumed by Facebook and iTunes, I suppose. What’s even worse is that I can feel the loss of innocence as it slips through my fingers, even though I try to hold on for dear life, something tugs at the other end of that imaginary string, telling me to hold on is virtually impossible. Once you face the evils of this world and see them first hand, that string pulls harder and harder until you sink to the ground in defeat. I refuse to raise my white flag quite yet, so instead I turn my face against the hurricane of reality and look the other way.
For now I prefer holding on to this innocence, to this youth, as long as I can. I feel like it’s a wolf, licking its watering mouth waiting for it’s prey, for I know how valuable these days are. Some of my last days like this, but keeping myself from taking them for granted is a difficult task. Even if I’m aware of their value, I can’t seem to stop time long enough to look around and take everything in. Being young is something I can never get back. Being young and independent is an even greater feat. To not be caught up in love, or in the idea of love at this age, is even more rare. Or am I lying to myself again? I push love away time and time again because it’s never good enough. Everyone has that one person that everyone else must measure up to but somehow, no one can ever pass the test, they just wind up being tossed into the back of your mind like all the rest.
If anyone had told me 4 years ago that I would be in Europe right now, I probably would’ve only half way believed them. I’ve wanted to study abroad since I started college, but facing the reality of time and money, I didn’t know if it would actually happen. And here I sit at my computer desk, half way across the world from the place I have always known, and it still amazes me.
This experience has been more to me than I could have ever imagined. I’ve always known I’m a more free-spirited person than most, and my hunger for life just grows everyday in this place. The more I see, and the more places I go, the more I want to see and learn. It’s a never ending cycle really."
Hmmmm... back to the present. Not much has changed about the way I feel since I wrote this almost 4 years ago but I am obviously a different person now than I was at 20 (thankfully!). If I could offer my 20 year old self one piece of advice, it would've been to never come home.. haha JK (ok I'm only kinda JK-ing).
The passing of time, growing up, are both inevitable but that youthful zest for life is going nowhere, I just have to figure out a way to incorporate it into my adult life without being a total fuck up at work and in general! haha
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
.....
Daily little struggles. Sometimes you just have off days and today was one of those for me. For several reasons, not all of which I can even pin point, I just felt kind of bad all day. Unmotivated, uninspired, and also a little sad. Not to throw myself a pity party or anything because to be honest I really felt like writing to see what my fingertips transcribed from my brain to see if I could piece together what was making me feel so crappy. Granted I know a few things that are definitely contributing to my weird mood, but I'd like to know why I felt the way I did today.
There are days that I miss things. I miss how things used to be in many different aspects. I try to remind myself of all the great and awesome things I have going on in my life right now, but it's still hard to block the sad thoughts out. I've been making a conscious effort to take on a few new projects to allow me some type of creative outlet and relief from the pressure of work and real life that suffocates me at times.
I feel like I've finally started getting back to a more positive place again, I truly do. But there are still some times that the weight of the past year and all the changes my life has undergone, becomes excruciatingly present.
On the other hand, I feel like I often allow the feelings I've had over the last year to become a scapegoat for me. I really wish I was better at living in the present and not the past and future. It's something I've always struggled with, and rarely make the effort to work on.
Sometimes when you face the reality of a situation, it can hurt worse than living miserably with the lie. I feel like my life in the last year has been a slap in the face from reality. The reality of making grown up decisions about my life and knowing the right decision isn't always the easiest one to make.
This has been a little all over the place, (thanks ADD), but I needed to get some of the bad feeling I've had all day off my shoulders. I hope tomorrow's gonna be a little better.
There are days that I miss things. I miss how things used to be in many different aspects. I try to remind myself of all the great and awesome things I have going on in my life right now, but it's still hard to block the sad thoughts out. I've been making a conscious effort to take on a few new projects to allow me some type of creative outlet and relief from the pressure of work and real life that suffocates me at times.
I feel like I've finally started getting back to a more positive place again, I truly do. But there are still some times that the weight of the past year and all the changes my life has undergone, becomes excruciatingly present.
On the other hand, I feel like I often allow the feelings I've had over the last year to become a scapegoat for me. I really wish I was better at living in the present and not the past and future. It's something I've always struggled with, and rarely make the effort to work on.
Sometimes when you face the reality of a situation, it can hurt worse than living miserably with the lie. I feel like my life in the last year has been a slap in the face from reality. The reality of making grown up decisions about my life and knowing the right decision isn't always the easiest one to make.
This has been a little all over the place, (thanks ADD), but I needed to get some of the bad feeling I've had all day off my shoulders. I hope tomorrow's gonna be a little better.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thoughts on a lazy Saturday...
I've been thinking a lot about the connections we have with other people. The complexity of it all truly amazes me sometimes. Obviously, with over 6 billion people in the world the dynamic of each individual relationship will inevitably differ depending on the two people involved. To clarify, I'm not necessarily speaking in romantic terms, just in general. Relationships with family members, those with friends, and of course romantic relationships as well. It's crazy how each relationship can have an affect on the person you are.
There are some times when you randomly meet someone and they instantly make an impression on you. And for some unexplainable reason, you both feel the connection and immediately feel good just by being in the presence of one another. There are people who intrigue you from the moment you meet them, those that you feel that immediate connection with. There are people who become good friends whom you feel you can trust your life with, these are the people you treasure more over time. There are people who seem to be good friends but subconsciously you always keep at a certain distance because for some reason you can't quite put your finger on, you know it's not good to let them in. There are people, despite a long history and friendship with, time and life get in the way and one day you wake up to realize they are no longer significant in your life or you in theirs.
I've been extremely hurt by several people in my life, which can be attributed to the simple fact that I usually find myself very emotionally-involved in any relationship, specifically a close one. I trust those people with everything I have and when something happens to damage that, I take it very personal. Why didn't I mean as much to them as I thought? How could they disregard me so quickly? What could I have done differently? But as I've gotten older, and I reflect back on lost friends and damaged relationships, I also remember there's a reason that person was brought in to my life at the time they were. Although I may still not know the purpose they had in my life (and I may never know it) I know there was a reason.
Reflecting back also makes me excited to see what the future brings. Who will I meet? Why will I meet them? Have I already met someone who I don't realize will become a major player in my life? Which people I meet will wind up being an inspiration? Or someone who will open a door to new experiences? Who will affect my life in such ways that it will change the person I am?
My thought process is extremely intense, and way too analytical at times. That's why I suppose I've always liked writing so much. It's nice to have an outlet to sort out the clutter inside my head. It's also nice knowing no one, no matter what relationship I share with them, can take that away from me. :)
There are some times when you randomly meet someone and they instantly make an impression on you. And for some unexplainable reason, you both feel the connection and immediately feel good just by being in the presence of one another. There are people who intrigue you from the moment you meet them, those that you feel that immediate connection with. There are people who become good friends whom you feel you can trust your life with, these are the people you treasure more over time. There are people who seem to be good friends but subconsciously you always keep at a certain distance because for some reason you can't quite put your finger on, you know it's not good to let them in. There are people, despite a long history and friendship with, time and life get in the way and one day you wake up to realize they are no longer significant in your life or you in theirs.
I've been extremely hurt by several people in my life, which can be attributed to the simple fact that I usually find myself very emotionally-involved in any relationship, specifically a close one. I trust those people with everything I have and when something happens to damage that, I take it very personal. Why didn't I mean as much to them as I thought? How could they disregard me so quickly? What could I have done differently? But as I've gotten older, and I reflect back on lost friends and damaged relationships, I also remember there's a reason that person was brought in to my life at the time they were. Although I may still not know the purpose they had in my life (and I may never know it) I know there was a reason.
Reflecting back also makes me excited to see what the future brings. Who will I meet? Why will I meet them? Have I already met someone who I don't realize will become a major player in my life? Which people I meet will wind up being an inspiration? Or someone who will open a door to new experiences? Who will affect my life in such ways that it will change the person I am?
My thought process is extremely intense, and way too analytical at times. That's why I suppose I've always liked writing so much. It's nice to have an outlet to sort out the clutter inside my head. It's also nice knowing no one, no matter what relationship I share with them, can take that away from me. :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thoughts on the verge of mid-twentidom
This blog is one that has been forming in my head for awhile but I've never felt comfortable putting it into words. With the 23rd year of my life coming to a close and as I'm officially entering my mid-twenties, it somehow feels appropriate. Although I'm writing this more as a reflection to myself, and I don't think anyone even reads this, just incase, I apologize for the intensity of this post.
I guess it's expected that a person in their early 20s spend a lot of time reflecting, questioning, and searching, and that's where I'm at, it's where I've been kind of stuck at for awhile now. I wish I wasn't so in-my-own-head as much as I am and yes, I know it's a little ridiculous to even think about these things but I can't help it.
The last year has been at times unbearably difficult, a lot of my views have been questioned, challenged, adjusted, and readjusted. I found myself lost in the idea of what someone else wanted me to be, I came out gasping for breath, and I'm still fighting everyday to get back to a positive and happy place. I have dealt with resentment, anger, sadness, but it's also been equally balanced by the sense of freedom and liberation I get everyday knowing that my future is only in my own hands.
The past year has been one so intensely full of reflection that I doubt I can even convey my emotions and thoughts as I'd like to. I've felt deeply confused, broken, and discouraged a lot when it comes to loving myself and loving others. I've been caught between young adult and "adult", often being pulled towards adulthood kicking and screaming, grabbing on to anything I could to delay the inevitable. Starting a new career, succumbing to responsibility, paying bills, and staying in on weeknights.
In the midst of my struggle and self-reflection comes a topic so dear to my heart and so personal that it's hard for me to admit it outloud. I've been so incredibly fortunate to grow up with an example of true, selfless, love from not only my own parents, but through my extended family as well. On one hand, I feel blessed to be able to recognize it, on the other I'm so skeptical I'll ever find it, which is one of the hardest things for me to get past because I want it so badly. I hate thinking about it because I know I have no control over it, but my entire life has been so full of love and I've been surrounded so much by it, I have so much of it to give, it's hard to not be sad. I'm not sure if I'm just so jaded from the experiences I've had, or that I've set the bar so high (which by no means is a bad thing). I'm not sure why, but the more I get to know about myself, the more I'm convinced I'm not meant to get married or be with one person for the rest of my life, the truth of that statement to me almost feels like a death. In a sense I guess I am- mourning the death of the idea I've held so closely to my heart my entire life: to have what my parents have, to be loved so unconditionally and fully and to give that love in return. Maybe at 24, I'm just too young to be that selfless right now, or maybe I just haven't met the right person to make me feel that way. It sounds so horrible but I almost feel incapable of falling in love with someone, of being with that one person for the rest of my life. Part of me honestly believes I've never been meant to sit still, to be tied down. It's so funny, because not too long ago, I honestly saw myself getting married and having a family. Even now, I still can't believe sometimes that I'm not in that place, but I also know it wasn't meant to be at that point in time. I really question if marriage is outdated and unrealistic now. My views on relationships is so dramatically different than it used to be, that it sometimes scares me.
I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about love, relationships, and how badly I want to be a mom one day and she said something that really put things into perspective for me. She said "has the thought ever crossed your mind that you can do that without being married". I suppose it really hasn't, because it's not really what I want, and maybe things aren't so black and white.
Damn you American dream with your white picket fence, kids playing with Fido in the yard while the mom cooks dinner every night. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of loving someone for the rest of my life and that the ideas and dreams I set for myself subconsciously years ago, are never going to be a reality.
Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I'd just like to state for the record that the only reason I'm sharing this is because if I ever do find myself in a place and with a person that makes marriage feel realistic and attainable, I'll know that it's because I was patient, I didn't settle for anything less than butterflies, and because I whole-heartedly love myself enough to share that with another person. Until then, I'll just keep doing me and hope for the best.
I guess it's expected that a person in their early 20s spend a lot of time reflecting, questioning, and searching, and that's where I'm at, it's where I've been kind of stuck at for awhile now. I wish I wasn't so in-my-own-head as much as I am and yes, I know it's a little ridiculous to even think about these things but I can't help it.
The last year has been at times unbearably difficult, a lot of my views have been questioned, challenged, adjusted, and readjusted. I found myself lost in the idea of what someone else wanted me to be, I came out gasping for breath, and I'm still fighting everyday to get back to a positive and happy place. I have dealt with resentment, anger, sadness, but it's also been equally balanced by the sense of freedom and liberation I get everyday knowing that my future is only in my own hands.
The past year has been one so intensely full of reflection that I doubt I can even convey my emotions and thoughts as I'd like to. I've felt deeply confused, broken, and discouraged a lot when it comes to loving myself and loving others. I've been caught between young adult and "adult", often being pulled towards adulthood kicking and screaming, grabbing on to anything I could to delay the inevitable. Starting a new career, succumbing to responsibility, paying bills, and staying in on weeknights.
In the midst of my struggle and self-reflection comes a topic so dear to my heart and so personal that it's hard for me to admit it outloud. I've been so incredibly fortunate to grow up with an example of true, selfless, love from not only my own parents, but through my extended family as well. On one hand, I feel blessed to be able to recognize it, on the other I'm so skeptical I'll ever find it, which is one of the hardest things for me to get past because I want it so badly. I hate thinking about it because I know I have no control over it, but my entire life has been so full of love and I've been surrounded so much by it, I have so much of it to give, it's hard to not be sad. I'm not sure if I'm just so jaded from the experiences I've had, or that I've set the bar so high (which by no means is a bad thing). I'm not sure why, but the more I get to know about myself, the more I'm convinced I'm not meant to get married or be with one person for the rest of my life, the truth of that statement to me almost feels like a death. In a sense I guess I am- mourning the death of the idea I've held so closely to my heart my entire life: to have what my parents have, to be loved so unconditionally and fully and to give that love in return. Maybe at 24, I'm just too young to be that selfless right now, or maybe I just haven't met the right person to make me feel that way. It sounds so horrible but I almost feel incapable of falling in love with someone, of being with that one person for the rest of my life. Part of me honestly believes I've never been meant to sit still, to be tied down. It's so funny, because not too long ago, I honestly saw myself getting married and having a family. Even now, I still can't believe sometimes that I'm not in that place, but I also know it wasn't meant to be at that point in time. I really question if marriage is outdated and unrealistic now. My views on relationships is so dramatically different than it used to be, that it sometimes scares me.
I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about love, relationships, and how badly I want to be a mom one day and she said something that really put things into perspective for me. She said "has the thought ever crossed your mind that you can do that without being married". I suppose it really hasn't, because it's not really what I want, and maybe things aren't so black and white.
Damn you American dream with your white picket fence, kids playing with Fido in the yard while the mom cooks dinner every night. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of loving someone for the rest of my life and that the ideas and dreams I set for myself subconsciously years ago, are never going to be a reality.
Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I'd just like to state for the record that the only reason I'm sharing this is because if I ever do find myself in a place and with a person that makes marriage feel realistic and attainable, I'll know that it's because I was patient, I didn't settle for anything less than butterflies, and because I whole-heartedly love myself enough to share that with another person. Until then, I'll just keep doing me and hope for the best.
Monday, May 2, 2011
You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..
I can still remember (as I'm sure a lot of people can) exactly where I was on September 11, 2001. I sat in my desk in Ms. Henson's Spanish 2 class, eyes glued to the television screen in disbelief. It was the first time in my 14 years of life that I witnessed a terrorism attack up close and personal. I watched the 2nd plane hit Tower 2 of the World Trade Center and started sobbing. I watched as the skyline of the city I loved so much, that I grew up dreaming of living in, crumbled to the ground. I felt so affected by it all partly because of the connection I've always felt with the city, but also because I had no idea where half of my family worked and if it was anywhere near the World Trade Center. Fortunately, no one close to me was killed that day, but that didn't change the closeness I felt to the situation. So many other people weren't as lucky as I was.
Over the decade between now and then, obviously A LOT has changed. Not just within myself, but also in everyday life. My generation has never known anything other than post 9-11. Our lives completely changed that day. Airport security, terror threat levels, anthrax, were suddenly routine vocabulary.
Early this morning, when I happened to not be able to fall asleep, I picked my lap top back up and checked Facebook to see if anything had changed in the hr since I had tried to go to bed. All I can say is thank goodness for social networking because I don't have cable at my house and I would've never had a clue about what was going on. As I started reading everyone's statuses, I felt all those emotions from 10 years ago come flooding back. Subconsciously, I think I might have been resolved to the fact that bin Laden was hiding out in a mountain cave in a remote location, never to be found. It wasn't really at the forefront of my mind anymore. But really, watching the live webstream on MSNBC as Obama made the official announcement was worth getting 2 hrs less sleep on a week night.
It's been a long time since Americans have felt this pride and unity in our country, and it's something I feel many of us desperately needed. In the midst of all the war, the economy, the natural disasters, to know that there is justice and this world took one giant leap in fighting the war against international terrorist organizations, gives me a sense of hope and relief.
The thing is, this isn't just about America to me, it shouldn't be, because that's a selfish thought. First and foremost, this is about the troops (not just American but all of our allies as well) who have fought and even sacrificed their lives for this cause. As most who know me are well aware of, I'm extremely passionate about international relations; a direct result of the time I've spent living, studying, and working abroad. When I studied in Sweden in 2008, I was exposed to people from every corner of the world, people who would never have known otherwise. Initially, it seemed as if we had nothing in common, but over time, a lot of those people became some of the friends I hold nearest and dearest to my heart still to this day. That semester opened my eyes to things I never would've understood otherwise. It challenged the opinions and views I had formed over my life, and demonstrated to me just how small I was something so big. It was also the first time I dealt with prejudice when I faced an Iranian man on the street in Sweden who spat at mine and my 2 American friend's feet and told us he hated us. That for me was a game changer, it made me realize a lot.
I felt enlightened and extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to live overseas. The experiences I had and the people I met while there are SO important to me because they made me who I am today. I wish I could better put into words the effects it's had on me. One thing I've taken away from it is that despite any of our differences- whether it be race, nationality, religion, sexuality, etc. doesn't take away from the fact that we were all put on this earth together. We are one part of this giant community. Forgive me if I'm naive, and a dreamer, but come on.. why can't we just all accept differences as what they simply are; different upbringings, different backgrounds, different cultures, traditions, and perspectives. By not living peacefully and accepting and respecting each other's differences, we're only going to self-destruct. It will do no good to fight, be disrespectful, and be hateful to each other. Especially when the majority of the time, it's because of misunderstanding or difference in opinions. It just frustrates me so much, especially when there are so many people I care about all over the world that are so different than me, but they aren't different at all.
And that's why today is such an important day in history to me. Although the war on terrorism is nowhere near over, I feel a renewed sense of hope, pride, and unity, not just in the U.S. but with the international community as well. I truly believe peace and compromise is attainable.
Over the decade between now and then, obviously A LOT has changed. Not just within myself, but also in everyday life. My generation has never known anything other than post 9-11. Our lives completely changed that day. Airport security, terror threat levels, anthrax, were suddenly routine vocabulary.
Early this morning, when I happened to not be able to fall asleep, I picked my lap top back up and checked Facebook to see if anything had changed in the hr since I had tried to go to bed. All I can say is thank goodness for social networking because I don't have cable at my house and I would've never had a clue about what was going on. As I started reading everyone's statuses, I felt all those emotions from 10 years ago come flooding back. Subconsciously, I think I might have been resolved to the fact that bin Laden was hiding out in a mountain cave in a remote location, never to be found. It wasn't really at the forefront of my mind anymore. But really, watching the live webstream on MSNBC as Obama made the official announcement was worth getting 2 hrs less sleep on a week night.
It's been a long time since Americans have felt this pride and unity in our country, and it's something I feel many of us desperately needed. In the midst of all the war, the economy, the natural disasters, to know that there is justice and this world took one giant leap in fighting the war against international terrorist organizations, gives me a sense of hope and relief.
The thing is, this isn't just about America to me, it shouldn't be, because that's a selfish thought. First and foremost, this is about the troops (not just American but all of our allies as well) who have fought and even sacrificed their lives for this cause. As most who know me are well aware of, I'm extremely passionate about international relations; a direct result of the time I've spent living, studying, and working abroad. When I studied in Sweden in 2008, I was exposed to people from every corner of the world, people who would never have known otherwise. Initially, it seemed as if we had nothing in common, but over time, a lot of those people became some of the friends I hold nearest and dearest to my heart still to this day. That semester opened my eyes to things I never would've understood otherwise. It challenged the opinions and views I had formed over my life, and demonstrated to me just how small I was something so big. It was also the first time I dealt with prejudice when I faced an Iranian man on the street in Sweden who spat at mine and my 2 American friend's feet and told us he hated us. That for me was a game changer, it made me realize a lot.
I felt enlightened and extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to live overseas. The experiences I had and the people I met while there are SO important to me because they made me who I am today. I wish I could better put into words the effects it's had on me. One thing I've taken away from it is that despite any of our differences- whether it be race, nationality, religion, sexuality, etc. doesn't take away from the fact that we were all put on this earth together. We are one part of this giant community. Forgive me if I'm naive, and a dreamer, but come on.. why can't we just all accept differences as what they simply are; different upbringings, different backgrounds, different cultures, traditions, and perspectives. By not living peacefully and accepting and respecting each other's differences, we're only going to self-destruct. It will do no good to fight, be disrespectful, and be hateful to each other. Especially when the majority of the time, it's because of misunderstanding or difference in opinions. It just frustrates me so much, especially when there are so many people I care about all over the world that are so different than me, but they aren't different at all.
And that's why today is such an important day in history to me. Although the war on terrorism is nowhere near over, I feel a renewed sense of hope, pride, and unity, not just in the U.S. but with the international community as well. I truly believe peace and compromise is attainable.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Hmmmm....
Why is it that when I finally feel like I'm reaching a good place and positive mental state (as I have been feeling lately), that I suddenly find myself taking two steps back in the wrong direction?
Is it too much to ask that I find peace, solitude, and happiness within myself without feeling like I need someone else to fill that "empty void" and make me feel whole, happy, and wanted? It absolutely pisses me off to no end that as strong and independent as I am, I still have times that I feel so lonely and unfulfilled, like I'm constantly looking for something. Looking for something or someone that will make me happy, when in reality, happiness doesn't stem from another person or thing but rather from within yourself. I know this, I preach it, I say I live by it, but it doesn't matter because I can talk about it all day and there will still be those once-in-awhile occurrences that humble me, bring me right back down to earth, slap me in the face and say "who the fuck are you kidding? You need someone around to make you happy!"
I strongly believe that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, yet we continually force ourselves into it, with only 21% of committed relationships actually working out. How fucking depressing. It makes me feel hopeless and bitter, yet, happy that I'm spending the "prime" of my life on my own, learning more about myself everyday, growing without any reservation or constriction inflicted on me by another person, no judgment, nothing.
There are some people (a lot of my friends included) that can't be alone or stick around in unhealthy/dead-end relationships because of fear. I want to be stronger than that fear, because everyone has been there. I don't want to just "fall in love" to fall in love, just because I need someone to reinforce what a catch I am in every single minute of self-doubt that comes along.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is how is it possible to maintain self-confidence and the pride of knowing you're a strong enough person to be completely on your own, if there are a these moments of weakness, self-doubt, and loneliness? How is it possible to be on your own, growing, learning and evolving, without feeling those things from time to time?
Is it too much to ask that I find peace, solitude, and happiness within myself without feeling like I need someone else to fill that "empty void" and make me feel whole, happy, and wanted? It absolutely pisses me off to no end that as strong and independent as I am, I still have times that I feel so lonely and unfulfilled, like I'm constantly looking for something. Looking for something or someone that will make me happy, when in reality, happiness doesn't stem from another person or thing but rather from within yourself. I know this, I preach it, I say I live by it, but it doesn't matter because I can talk about it all day and there will still be those once-in-awhile occurrences that humble me, bring me right back down to earth, slap me in the face and say "who the fuck are you kidding? You need someone around to make you happy!"
I strongly believe that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, yet we continually force ourselves into it, with only 21% of committed relationships actually working out. How fucking depressing. It makes me feel hopeless and bitter, yet, happy that I'm spending the "prime" of my life on my own, learning more about myself everyday, growing without any reservation or constriction inflicted on me by another person, no judgment, nothing.
There are some people (a lot of my friends included) that can't be alone or stick around in unhealthy/dead-end relationships because of fear. I want to be stronger than that fear, because everyone has been there. I don't want to just "fall in love" to fall in love, just because I need someone to reinforce what a catch I am in every single minute of self-doubt that comes along.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is how is it possible to maintain self-confidence and the pride of knowing you're a strong enough person to be completely on your own, if there are a these moments of weakness, self-doubt, and loneliness? How is it possible to be on your own, growing, learning and evolving, without feeling those things from time to time?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It's that time again...
Moving on. Starting fresh. Taking a step back. Closing a door to open ten others. Finding the beauty in everyday things. Appreciate. Find Balance. Meditate. Self-reflect. Accept a challenge. Step outside your comfort zone. Don't hold back. Self-educate. Growth. Clarity. Solitude.
My priorities right now.
I wish I currently had more to say on this but I'm leaving it at that.
My priorities right now.
I wish I currently had more to say on this but I'm leaving it at that.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
:(
I want to write but I'm struggling with putting into words what I want to say.
I've tried numerous times to express what I'm feeling in this stupid blank box but I keep erasing and starting over. So I'll just say this: a true friend is someone who is extremely hard to find. I'm lucky to have several. But today I had to say goodbye to one of them as she moves on to a new chapter in her life.. one that unfortunately takes her far away from me. I'm torn by contradicting emotions of pride and excitement for her, because I know she needs to go, and my own selfish sadness. It's when you say goodbye to someone that you review the relationship in your head, going over past memories and moments, good and bad, all that have left a significant mark on you. It's also the time you realize more than ever, how much that person means to you.
Ugh. so sad. :(
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