This blog is one that has been forming in my head for awhile but I've never felt comfortable putting it into words. With the 23rd year of my life coming to a close and as I'm officially entering my mid-twenties, it somehow feels appropriate. Although I'm writing this more as a reflection to myself, and I don't think anyone even reads this, just incase, I apologize for the intensity of this post.
I guess it's expected that a person in their early 20s spend a lot of time reflecting, questioning, and searching, and that's where I'm at, it's where I've been kind of stuck at for awhile now. I wish I wasn't so in-my-own-head as much as I am and yes, I know it's a little ridiculous to even think about these things but I can't help it.
The last year has been at times unbearably difficult, a lot of my views have been questioned, challenged, adjusted, and readjusted. I found myself lost in the idea of what someone else wanted me to be, I came out gasping for breath, and I'm still fighting everyday to get back to a positive and happy place. I have dealt with resentment, anger, sadness, but it's also been equally balanced by the sense of freedom and liberation I get everyday knowing that my future is only in my own hands.
The past year has been one so intensely full of reflection that I doubt I can even convey my emotions and thoughts as I'd like to. I've felt deeply confused, broken, and discouraged a lot when it comes to loving myself and loving others. I've been caught between young adult and "adult", often being pulled towards adulthood kicking and screaming, grabbing on to anything I could to delay the inevitable. Starting a new career, succumbing to responsibility, paying bills, and staying in on weeknights.
In the midst of my struggle and self-reflection comes a topic so dear to my heart and so personal that it's hard for me to admit it outloud. I've been so incredibly fortunate to grow up with an example of true, selfless, love from not only my own parents, but through my extended family as well. On one hand, I feel blessed to be able to recognize it, on the other I'm so skeptical I'll ever find it, which is one of the hardest things for me to get past because I want it so badly. I hate thinking about it because I know I have no control over it, but my entire life has been so full of love and I've been surrounded so much by it, I have so much of it to give, it's hard to not be sad. I'm not sure if I'm just so jaded from the experiences I've had, or that I've set the bar so high (which by no means is a bad thing). I'm not sure why, but the more I get to know about myself, the more I'm convinced I'm not meant to get married or be with one person for the rest of my life, the truth of that statement to me almost feels like a death. In a sense I guess I am- mourning the death of the idea I've held so closely to my heart my entire life: to have what my parents have, to be loved so unconditionally and fully and to give that love in return. Maybe at 24, I'm just too young to be that selfless right now, or maybe I just haven't met the right person to make me feel that way. It sounds so horrible but I almost feel incapable of falling in love with someone, of being with that one person for the rest of my life. Part of me honestly believes I've never been meant to sit still, to be tied down. It's so funny, because not too long ago, I honestly saw myself getting married and having a family. Even now, I still can't believe sometimes that I'm not in that place, but I also know it wasn't meant to be at that point in time. I really question if marriage is outdated and unrealistic now. My views on relationships is so dramatically different than it used to be, that it sometimes scares me.
I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about love, relationships, and how badly I want to be a mom one day and she said something that really put things into perspective for me. She said "has the thought ever crossed your mind that you can do that without being married". I suppose it really hasn't, because it's not really what I want, and maybe things aren't so black and white.
Damn you American dream with your white picket fence, kids playing with Fido in the yard while the mom cooks dinner every night. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of loving someone for the rest of my life and that the ideas and dreams I set for myself subconsciously years ago, are never going to be a reality.
Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I'd just like to state for the record that the only reason I'm sharing this is because if I ever do find myself in a place and with a person that makes marriage feel realistic and attainable, I'll know that it's because I was patient, I didn't settle for anything less than butterflies, and because I whole-heartedly love myself enough to share that with another person. Until then, I'll just keep doing me and hope for the best.
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