This blog is one that has been forming in my head for awhile but I've never felt comfortable putting it into words. With the 23rd year of my life coming to a close and as I'm officially entering my mid-twenties, it somehow feels appropriate. Although I'm writing this more as a reflection to myself, and I don't think anyone even reads this, just incase, I apologize for the intensity of this post.
I guess it's expected that a person in their early 20s spend a lot of time reflecting, questioning, and searching, and that's where I'm at, it's where I've been kind of stuck at for awhile now. I wish I wasn't so in-my-own-head as much as I am and yes, I know it's a little ridiculous to even think about these things but I can't help it.
The last year has been at times unbearably difficult, a lot of my views have been questioned, challenged, adjusted, and readjusted. I found myself lost in the idea of what someone else wanted me to be, I came out gasping for breath, and I'm still fighting everyday to get back to a positive and happy place. I have dealt with resentment, anger, sadness, but it's also been equally balanced by the sense of freedom and liberation I get everyday knowing that my future is only in my own hands.
The past year has been one so intensely full of reflection that I doubt I can even convey my emotions and thoughts as I'd like to. I've felt deeply confused, broken, and discouraged a lot when it comes to loving myself and loving others. I've been caught between young adult and "adult", often being pulled towards adulthood kicking and screaming, grabbing on to anything I could to delay the inevitable. Starting a new career, succumbing to responsibility, paying bills, and staying in on weeknights.
In the midst of my struggle and self-reflection comes a topic so dear to my heart and so personal that it's hard for me to admit it outloud. I've been so incredibly fortunate to grow up with an example of true, selfless, love from not only my own parents, but through my extended family as well. On one hand, I feel blessed to be able to recognize it, on the other I'm so skeptical I'll ever find it, which is one of the hardest things for me to get past because I want it so badly. I hate thinking about it because I know I have no control over it, but my entire life has been so full of love and I've been surrounded so much by it, I have so much of it to give, it's hard to not be sad. I'm not sure if I'm just so jaded from the experiences I've had, or that I've set the bar so high (which by no means is a bad thing). I'm not sure why, but the more I get to know about myself, the more I'm convinced I'm not meant to get married or be with one person for the rest of my life, the truth of that statement to me almost feels like a death. In a sense I guess I am- mourning the death of the idea I've held so closely to my heart my entire life: to have what my parents have, to be loved so unconditionally and fully and to give that love in return. Maybe at 24, I'm just too young to be that selfless right now, or maybe I just haven't met the right person to make me feel that way. It sounds so horrible but I almost feel incapable of falling in love with someone, of being with that one person for the rest of my life. Part of me honestly believes I've never been meant to sit still, to be tied down. It's so funny, because not too long ago, I honestly saw myself getting married and having a family. Even now, I still can't believe sometimes that I'm not in that place, but I also know it wasn't meant to be at that point in time. I really question if marriage is outdated and unrealistic now. My views on relationships is so dramatically different than it used to be, that it sometimes scares me.
I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about love, relationships, and how badly I want to be a mom one day and she said something that really put things into perspective for me. She said "has the thought ever crossed your mind that you can do that without being married". I suppose it really hasn't, because it's not really what I want, and maybe things aren't so black and white.
Damn you American dream with your white picket fence, kids playing with Fido in the yard while the mom cooks dinner every night. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of loving someone for the rest of my life and that the ideas and dreams I set for myself subconsciously years ago, are never going to be a reality.
Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I'd just like to state for the record that the only reason I'm sharing this is because if I ever do find myself in a place and with a person that makes marriage feel realistic and attainable, I'll know that it's because I was patient, I didn't settle for anything less than butterflies, and because I whole-heartedly love myself enough to share that with another person. Until then, I'll just keep doing me and hope for the best.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..
I can still remember (as I'm sure a lot of people can) exactly where I was on September 11, 2001. I sat in my desk in Ms. Henson's Spanish 2 class, eyes glued to the television screen in disbelief. It was the first time in my 14 years of life that I witnessed a terrorism attack up close and personal. I watched the 2nd plane hit Tower 2 of the World Trade Center and started sobbing. I watched as the skyline of the city I loved so much, that I grew up dreaming of living in, crumbled to the ground. I felt so affected by it all partly because of the connection I've always felt with the city, but also because I had no idea where half of my family worked and if it was anywhere near the World Trade Center. Fortunately, no one close to me was killed that day, but that didn't change the closeness I felt to the situation. So many other people weren't as lucky as I was.
Over the decade between now and then, obviously A LOT has changed. Not just within myself, but also in everyday life. My generation has never known anything other than post 9-11. Our lives completely changed that day. Airport security, terror threat levels, anthrax, were suddenly routine vocabulary.
Early this morning, when I happened to not be able to fall asleep, I picked my lap top back up and checked Facebook to see if anything had changed in the hr since I had tried to go to bed. All I can say is thank goodness for social networking because I don't have cable at my house and I would've never had a clue about what was going on. As I started reading everyone's statuses, I felt all those emotions from 10 years ago come flooding back. Subconsciously, I think I might have been resolved to the fact that bin Laden was hiding out in a mountain cave in a remote location, never to be found. It wasn't really at the forefront of my mind anymore. But really, watching the live webstream on MSNBC as Obama made the official announcement was worth getting 2 hrs less sleep on a week night.
It's been a long time since Americans have felt this pride and unity in our country, and it's something I feel many of us desperately needed. In the midst of all the war, the economy, the natural disasters, to know that there is justice and this world took one giant leap in fighting the war against international terrorist organizations, gives me a sense of hope and relief.
The thing is, this isn't just about America to me, it shouldn't be, because that's a selfish thought. First and foremost, this is about the troops (not just American but all of our allies as well) who have fought and even sacrificed their lives for this cause. As most who know me are well aware of, I'm extremely passionate about international relations; a direct result of the time I've spent living, studying, and working abroad. When I studied in Sweden in 2008, I was exposed to people from every corner of the world, people who would never have known otherwise. Initially, it seemed as if we had nothing in common, but over time, a lot of those people became some of the friends I hold nearest and dearest to my heart still to this day. That semester opened my eyes to things I never would've understood otherwise. It challenged the opinions and views I had formed over my life, and demonstrated to me just how small I was something so big. It was also the first time I dealt with prejudice when I faced an Iranian man on the street in Sweden who spat at mine and my 2 American friend's feet and told us he hated us. That for me was a game changer, it made me realize a lot.
I felt enlightened and extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to live overseas. The experiences I had and the people I met while there are SO important to me because they made me who I am today. I wish I could better put into words the effects it's had on me. One thing I've taken away from it is that despite any of our differences- whether it be race, nationality, religion, sexuality, etc. doesn't take away from the fact that we were all put on this earth together. We are one part of this giant community. Forgive me if I'm naive, and a dreamer, but come on.. why can't we just all accept differences as what they simply are; different upbringings, different backgrounds, different cultures, traditions, and perspectives. By not living peacefully and accepting and respecting each other's differences, we're only going to self-destruct. It will do no good to fight, be disrespectful, and be hateful to each other. Especially when the majority of the time, it's because of misunderstanding or difference in opinions. It just frustrates me so much, especially when there are so many people I care about all over the world that are so different than me, but they aren't different at all.
And that's why today is such an important day in history to me. Although the war on terrorism is nowhere near over, I feel a renewed sense of hope, pride, and unity, not just in the U.S. but with the international community as well. I truly believe peace and compromise is attainable.
Over the decade between now and then, obviously A LOT has changed. Not just within myself, but also in everyday life. My generation has never known anything other than post 9-11. Our lives completely changed that day. Airport security, terror threat levels, anthrax, were suddenly routine vocabulary.
Early this morning, when I happened to not be able to fall asleep, I picked my lap top back up and checked Facebook to see if anything had changed in the hr since I had tried to go to bed. All I can say is thank goodness for social networking because I don't have cable at my house and I would've never had a clue about what was going on. As I started reading everyone's statuses, I felt all those emotions from 10 years ago come flooding back. Subconsciously, I think I might have been resolved to the fact that bin Laden was hiding out in a mountain cave in a remote location, never to be found. It wasn't really at the forefront of my mind anymore. But really, watching the live webstream on MSNBC as Obama made the official announcement was worth getting 2 hrs less sleep on a week night.
It's been a long time since Americans have felt this pride and unity in our country, and it's something I feel many of us desperately needed. In the midst of all the war, the economy, the natural disasters, to know that there is justice and this world took one giant leap in fighting the war against international terrorist organizations, gives me a sense of hope and relief.
The thing is, this isn't just about America to me, it shouldn't be, because that's a selfish thought. First and foremost, this is about the troops (not just American but all of our allies as well) who have fought and even sacrificed their lives for this cause. As most who know me are well aware of, I'm extremely passionate about international relations; a direct result of the time I've spent living, studying, and working abroad. When I studied in Sweden in 2008, I was exposed to people from every corner of the world, people who would never have known otherwise. Initially, it seemed as if we had nothing in common, but over time, a lot of those people became some of the friends I hold nearest and dearest to my heart still to this day. That semester opened my eyes to things I never would've understood otherwise. It challenged the opinions and views I had formed over my life, and demonstrated to me just how small I was something so big. It was also the first time I dealt with prejudice when I faced an Iranian man on the street in Sweden who spat at mine and my 2 American friend's feet and told us he hated us. That for me was a game changer, it made me realize a lot.
I felt enlightened and extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to live overseas. The experiences I had and the people I met while there are SO important to me because they made me who I am today. I wish I could better put into words the effects it's had on me. One thing I've taken away from it is that despite any of our differences- whether it be race, nationality, religion, sexuality, etc. doesn't take away from the fact that we were all put on this earth together. We are one part of this giant community. Forgive me if I'm naive, and a dreamer, but come on.. why can't we just all accept differences as what they simply are; different upbringings, different backgrounds, different cultures, traditions, and perspectives. By not living peacefully and accepting and respecting each other's differences, we're only going to self-destruct. It will do no good to fight, be disrespectful, and be hateful to each other. Especially when the majority of the time, it's because of misunderstanding or difference in opinions. It just frustrates me so much, especially when there are so many people I care about all over the world that are so different than me, but they aren't different at all.
And that's why today is such an important day in history to me. Although the war on terrorism is nowhere near over, I feel a renewed sense of hope, pride, and unity, not just in the U.S. but with the international community as well. I truly believe peace and compromise is attainable.
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