Home again (for now)

I'm in the mood to write-- errr type right now. Without any pen and paper, I have to resort to blogging. I've been home since July 3, almost a month-- it's good to be home, it really is. It was really hard to leave Spain, that country will have a huge place in my heart for the rest of my life. I fell in love with everything about it, and I know I will be back there again- hopefully sooner rather than later. I can't imagine it taking me too long to get back there. I'm going to try extremely hard to maintain maybe even improve my Spanish. Once I know where I'm going to be, I want to sign up for some coversation/immersion type classes to practice.

I've been busy rediscovering myself and finding my way back to where I want and need to be at this point in my life. The last two months have been a whirlwind of change and readjusting to being myself because I spent a lot of the last year feeling guilty for the person I am, and the way I've chosen to live my life. It made me really angry and a little cynical of other people, relationships, and life in general, which I absolutely despise. I'm still struggling, even now, to pick up my scattered pieces and thoughts and put them back together in the right place and order. On the other hand, I haven't felt so alive and free in a long time. I am so incredibly happy with the decisions I've made, because I've proven to myself that I am a strong person and that I'm sure about what I want, or actually more what I don't want. I feel like I'm that much closer to knowing myself and finding whatever it is I'm searching for in life.

I've been a little stressed because I'm in between jobs, living back at home with my parents and struggling with the idea of corporate world and what I "should be doing" vs. what I want to do. Up until this point I've been able to get away with living the life I love and following my heart but lately I've been feeling extreme pressure to be responsible and think about things in a more "mature" (for lack of a better word) manner.

I'm so torn because I want to continue following my heart but is that really possible when you have to worry about health insurance, 401ks, bills, etc.??? I wish I could spend the rest of my life traveling the world, creating art, and asking questions, finding my answers in the every day occurances and experiences rather than on google. Why does it feel so incredibly impossible to live the life I love and follow my heart rather than follow what society tells me I should be doing. How can you enjoy the everyday without worrying about money, the future, etc. ???

This is something I'm sure most people in the early 20s go through, when the transition into the real world is looming in the near future, I just hate not knowing where to go or what to do, and not having a plan.

Not really sure why, but I felt like randomly posting some poetry on here. I've always liked poetry and writing since I was younger and I haven't read or written much of it lately but I'd like to start again. There is some poetry that is written so beautifully it touches your soul and that's how these are to me, the way they're written has a way of drawing you in, and you can feel the raw emotion that their poets were trying to convey.

The first two poems are ones I heard for the first time in high school English class and I've never forgotten them. The first is my absolute favorite of all time. The last is one I just recently heard and I really like it.

Now Sleeps the Crimson Petal
By: Lord Alfred Tennyson

Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;
Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;
Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font:
The firefly wakens: waken thou with me.

Now droops the milkwhite peacock like a ghost,
And like a ghost she glimmers on to me.

Now lies the Earth all Danae to the stars,
And all thy heart lies open unto me.

Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves
A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me.

Now folds the lily all her sweetness up,
And slips into the bosom of the lake:
So fold thyself, my dearest, thou, and slip
Into my bosom and be lost in me.



When We Two Parted
By: Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shrudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee so well--
Long, long I shall rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.


The Life That I Have
By: Leo Marks

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.