There are a lot of things I save for the confidentiality of my (hand-written) journal because I prefer not to put all of my really personal thoughts on such a public platform as a blog. Then there are some things that after writing about them, I feel compelled to share them as is the case right now.
Due to my personal experiences thus far in my 23 years of existence, I've come to realize something very significant- it's when a relationship or chapter of your life ends and through the difficulty and "re-adaptation period", that crucial transition- that you learn the most about yourself. Not only this, but you seem to always grow up and mature significantly. Most times you don't realize it's happening until you reflect back on it, although now, I can feel myself being in that place, and I don't know what I'll come out looking-like on the other side, but I have a feeling I'll really like it. The change isn't sudden, but rather subtle and gradual and a series of emotional highs and lows, realizations (both mini and/or life-changing), questions & answers, and self-reflections. There are moments that are extremely challenging, moments when you feel yourself "relapsing" (for lack of a better description), you feel that the things you're coming to realize are being challenged or are even maybe completely absurd, however, each time you find yourself in that brief moment of clarity, you somehow know everything will be okay.
I've been thinking a lot about choices lately. The choices people make regarding themselves, their lives, how they choose to handle certain situations. What is it that makes one a "good person"? How can you even define "good".. it's completely subjective. What about the way those choices affect you, your life in the long-run, the way you are perceived by others (not that it matters, I just mean if people think you are a good person)?? Pretty heavy stuff, I know, but also the kind of stuff I think is really important to ponder sometimes.
I have such a desire to better myself during this transitional time in my life. I want to learn to treat myself with more respect. Respect my dreams and aspirations, respect my mind, respect my body, respect my freedom, and embrace my potential. I want to feel strong, confident, and powerful. Sometimes I can, but more times it's hard to maintain that feeling, especially in the midst of uncertainty and change.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm sitting on my back porch, on the first "fall-like" night of the year, comfy sweatpants on, candles lit, trying to use the pen in my hand to sort out my clusterfuck of thoughts on a blank sheet of paper so I can better visualize them, organize them, put them into little boxes.
By the way.. totally digging the "Lykke Li" pandora radio station lately.. it's awesome to chill to.. try typing in "Little Bit" (one of her songs) in the search bar and listen to the awesomeness! :)
Things that make me happy in this moment:
-this chilly (but just perfectly refreshing) end-of-summer night
-candles
-music
-the freedom and liberation of being on my own
-artistic/creaitve/progressive/innovative people (specifically Dali as I'm reading a book about him right now!)
-stimulating conversation
-chatting with old friends
-feeling on the verge of something great
-having the world at my fingertips
-comfy sweatpants
-a cup of hot tea
-bubble baths
-catching up with old friends
-the familiarity and comfort of home
-the public library (recently just rediscovered how awesome it is!)
-the fact that my hair is officially long after 3+ years of growing it out!
-the mystery/potential that the future holds
:)
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